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The Grep

Teh Grep

The day's top stories from Teh Grep, read by our anchors — the news, approximately, every evening. Satire; any resemblance to actual journalism is coincidental.

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  1. RNC links trans athlete ban to lower grocery prices 15:28
  2. Trump cites pool as standing water victory 15:26
  3. Democrats accused of violating RNC copyright on Jesus 17:49
  4. Monetizing isolation and rebranding collapse 29:05
  5. IOC orders demolition for failing to bankrupt host city 16:20
  6. NASA suspends black hole over workplace conduct 16:32
  7. Endless global cruise model eliminates ocean travel 15:26
  8. Goldman Sachs reclassifies harassment as a side hustle 15:13
  9. Bank accused of maliciously maintaining accurate ledger 14:39
  10. UC system pivots to high-margin residential landlord 15:35
  11. Rent reclassified as discretionary spending 26:48
  12. US ties Ukraine partition to Alaskan pipeline refinancing 16:47
  13. Venture capitalists warn early revenue threatens startups 17:33
  14. Agriculture Department delegates screwworm containment 15:54
  15. Boeing retains structural flaws; MLB fines Brewers 14:46
  16. Mecca developer pitches divinely mandated foot traffic 16:25
  17. Svalbard tap water reclassified as municipal ore 15:33
  18. Pappas pledges nay vote on domestic troop deployments 21:32
  19. Meta requests waiver for manual eyelid operation 16:28
  20. Ticketmaster karma fees and cognitive broadcast rights 17:14
  21. Nvidia chief calls human extinction financially unviable 20:13
  22. Pentagon declares space utopia a risk to defense earnings 21:31
  23. Markets price in biosphere collapse 49:42
  24. State to fine rogue AI over disabled kill switches 27:29
  25. HHS ends federal discrimination against polio 19:47
  26. Fed hikes rates to combat Wall Street insecurity 15:42
  27. Spirit Airlines adds mental processing fee for legroom 24:10
  28. Apple debuts AI summary tier for ongoing burglaries 24:49
  29. Formula One clarifies shotgun broadcast policy 27:46
  30. The institutional pivot to elegant surrender 42:00
  31. Schumer convenes Panera caucus, AI patches anthrax bug 25:13
  32. FAA anticipates experimental Texas air taxi debris fields 34:26
  33. White House fast-tracks monument to citizen insignificance 14:15
  34. LG network scanners retain legacy television capabilities 28:52
  35. Giuliani seeks injunction over unlicensed nine eleven 18:24
  36. Annexation of Venezuelan oil hailed as diplomatic triumph 23:07
  37. Monetizing the collapse of planetary infrastructure 45:47
  38. Tesla deprecates eight-year-old; Fetterman exits funeral 27:49
  39. Premium refugee tier and teleprompter front-running 16:39
  40. Lake America trade deficit; AGI confined to ten-inch duck 16:31
  41. Meta surges on child-safety moat; rogue AI commended 17:26
  42. Supreme Court weighs immunity for official dog bite 15:42
  43. Microplastic research halted to preserve the will to live 16:24
  44. Candidates campaign on bulldozing Amazon data centers 16:50
  45. HMO rations sadness as Arctic warming is defunded 16:43
  46. Chevron touts softer ESG paper; fathers pat pockets 7:36
  47. FEMA urges Florida exit as markets pivot to casual dining 15:18
  48. Automating transaction fees and reclassifying wildfires 24:18
  49. Microsoft AI to hallucinate cyberattacks for half price 15:43
  50. Four hatchbacks tasked with state climate transition 15:59